


I need to know if you're feeling, feeling the same (Is it too late?)

by orphan_account



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Produce X 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-10-05 13:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20489945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "After all, Suhwan remembers all too well how outraged his fans were when they learned he had allowed Yuvin to take main vocal away from him. He can’t bear to imagine how they would react if they were to learn that he was prepared to let Yuvin indirectly take his life from him."Surgery is the easy way out, yet Suhwan decides to travel the road less taken: To cure himself by having his feelings returned. Suhwan will die for Yuvin's sake. But as long as there is a tiny glimmer of hope that he can save himself without sacrificing anything, he's going to fight for it. He's not going to go so easily, at least not without a fight.Now he has to race against the clock to do everything in his power to try and win Yuvin's heart before time is up. If he succeeds, the pay-off will be rewarding. But if he doesn't...He will lose everything.Will the risky gamble Suhwan has taken with his life succeed?





	1. Prologue: Before The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story, so please be patient with me. Also, my choice of characters and rating are tentative and is subject to altering as the story progresses. Thank you!  
(title taken from this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wh2P_dYVgUQ)

Hello, my dear reader. Today, you are going to go through a life changing event and I, your narrator will walk you through it. You’re going to experience a simulation of one of the ways your life falls apart.

Open your eyes. You’ve just woken up from a whole night’s sleep and it’s time to get up. How do you feel right now?

You groan, “Like someone dropped a huge boulder onto my chest and knocked all the breath out of me.”

As expected. You’ll see what I mean soon. Now try to get off the bed really slowly, take your time because it’s hard to be up and about when your chest is constricting. 

“I can’t breathe, am-am I dying?” You sound frantic, like you’re about to lose control over your nerves. 

Unfortunately, no. But I bet you wish you are. Good! You’ve managed to pull yourself to your feet. Let’s take a trip to the bathroom. I know it seems strange that I’m ordering you to move around when your condition seems to demand you lie in bed but I promise you’ll need this. Currently, you should be feeling significantly worse than earlier. You walk- no, stumble to the bathroom and slam the door behind you. 

You’re beginning to hyperventilate, your hand pressed tightly against your chest as if you’re scared it will burst open all of a sudden. “I think the inside of me is all clogged up.” You gag slightly. “It’s like I’m going to cough something out or throw up.” 

Okay, I anticipated that. Now sit down and put your head between your knees. Breathe in, breathe out. It won’t solve your problem, but it will make you feel a bit better. But eventually we’re going to have to face the inevitable event which is going to occur very soon. You’re racked by violent coughing fits and you retch a few times. Your chest aches, doesn’t it? Yes it does. And for a good reason. “I need to get whatever the hell this is out of me now,” You groan.

Good. Move towards the sink or the toilet bowl and lean forwards. You’re about to expel some stuff very, very soon. I can hear you gagging louder this time as you kneel beside the toilet bowl. Get ready for what comes next, I’m serious. You wheeze and another coughing fit attacks you. Suddenly, you feel your throat blocked up with tons of things and you begin choking and tearing up.

Thump yourself on the back! That’s it. And finally you cough out a massive bunch of gunk into the toilet bowl. Through the haze of sweat and steam from the shower you squint at the mass of stuff you’ve just expelled. Slowly your vision clears and you’re staring aghast when you realise what it is.

And no. You are not dreaming, so stop pinching yourself. You are not hallucinating, so stop rubbing your eyes. Everything in front of you is real. You are seeing a large handful of flower petals. I would tell you what colour they are, except I can’t see through the large droplets of your bright red blood staining them like a dye. 

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll say it: This is Hanahaki. You know why you have it, don’t you? If you don’t, I’ll have no choice but to explain it to you. 

Remember that boy or girl you fell for a few months ago? The one that caught your eyes when you first strolled through the gates of the school? Yes, that’s her/him. You fell for him/her smile and though it sounds so cheesy now, you fell for the way he/she made you smile. Sometimes you would have silly little daydreams of him/her taking you by the hand and doing something sweet and simple like walking in the park near your neighbourhood. But she/he never felt anything for you. And though it hurt, you decided that as long as you were able to dream of it happening it would be as good as the real thing. 

Would it shock you if I told you the reason you are experiencing this situation is because of this amazing girl or guy who fails to love you back?

You see, Hanahaki is a disease which in a way is basically the price you pay for daring to embark on a one-sided love. Over months, even years flowers will grow in your lungs and heart. If the one you love doesn't feel the same, you are doomed to die. The disease can never be cured. It hurts from the start, and it will only hurt more and more until the day you finally die. It starts with a few petals and some blood. When you reach the stage when you cough up entire flowers, you’re one foot in the grave. Imagine. All because you dared to love someone who could never love you back.

There is a way to survive though, but at a cost. You either sacrifice your life, or you sacrifice your feelings, have surgery and live on.

I can feel your rage even from this distance. “It isn’t fair! Why must I be punished for having feelings? It isn’t my fault I love him/her! I can’t stop myself from feeling this way!” You scream with so much burning hatred I fear you will rip apart your own lungs before the flowers growing in them get to. You know what?

It isn’t fair. I’m not going to deny you your anger.  
But Hanahaki, I’m afraid, is not as sympathetic as me. It doesn’t care about what you think, and the flowers just bloom and bloom regardless of circumstances. I recognise this simulation has put you through more than you can handle. If you wish, you may depart from it and turn your back on the events that have occurred today. After all, none of what you have experienced is real. It doesn’t matter in the long run. You probably want to know, why I conducted this simulation in the first place?

Well, I wanted to introduce you to a somebody I know, whose name is Choi Suhwan. He has experienced and is continuing to experience what you just did. Unlike you, he is going through the real deal and he can’t simply walk away from all of it. Would you like to get to know more about him?


	2. Suhwan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The introduction to Choi Suhwan I promised.

“Choi Suhwan’s an easy person to read.” People say. “He’s like an open book. You look at him and you can see everything written all over his face. There’s no mystery to uncover, no hidden agenda in him.” 

They are both right and wrong. 

If you were to see him in the flesh in the place he loves to roam: Hongdae you would develop the impression that he is a sweet and happy go lucky boy. The kind of boy you would see around your neighbourhood, the paperboy who rides his bicycle down the streets in the early hours of the morning dropping newspapers at doorsteps while waving hello to passing joggers. The one everyone is fond of. Suhwan really is that kind of person. He runs an Instagram account where he uploads posts about his daily life and activities, when he’s out and about in Hongdae he interacts with fans and is more than willing to give them his autograph or pose for a picture. He’s very supportive of his friends, especially one friend in particular. All of these things listed are true. So if you were to say that “Suhwan is a good person, caring, friendly” yes, these are true. But if you were to say that he is straightforward, uncomplicated I would have to stop you right there. 

Suhwan has his secrets. But he’s mastered the art of hiding them from prying eyes. He’s an open book... with two or three hidden pages. He’s concealed them so well that you wouldn’t believe he had dark secrets even if he told it to your face. Suhwan has a rehearsed answer, ready to use it on every well-intentioned but very nosy individual who gets too close.

“Why do you cough so much?”  
“Well, I had a throat infection and I’m still recovering from it.”

“Why don’t you go see a doctor for it?”  
“He told me to let it heal on its own.”

“Suhwan, you’re getting thinner and thinner.”  
“I’m just stressed and haven’t the appetite to eat. I’ve just started going to school again and the homework is a killer.”

He learns to cover his tracks properly. Petals on the floor of the house, broom and dustpan out. On a bad week he has several vases of flowers placed all over his apartment, ready to explain the presence of the stray petals he may have neglected to sweep up. The metallic scent of blood can be covered by air fresheners. He brings his phone into the bathroom when another episode of his condition starts and cranks the volume up on his playlist of songs to drown out the sounds of his raspy coughs and curses. If Suhwan feels a cough coming in public and the sensation of his throat being plugged up he instinctively grabs a large pile of tissues and slaps them tightly against his mouth to muffle his choking noises. Then he simultaneously wipes his red lips as he pulls the tissues away from his face and swiftly scrunches it all into a large ball which goes into a disposal. Suhwan would say that he’s got this all under his control.

But even he knows that one day he will slip-up. It is a matter of “when”. One day, during an attempt to defend himself he’ll blurt out “Hanahaki”. One day, his fans will begin to investigate the reason why he looks so pale and seems to be wasting away. One day, one day his grip won’t be tight enough and the tissues open up to reveal themselves stained crimson, the petals gently falling to the ground in front of astonished eyes. This is one of his greatest nightmares. 

But the greatest nightmare of all would be accidentally revealing who caused it. He recognises that his fans care for him and would do anything to protect him. Which is why he lives in so much terror, because as much as he resents this person for helping the disease to manifest itself in him, Suhwan loves him enough to want to keep the wrath of his fans away from him. And he knows for a fact that if he ever says the name of the “culprit” they will rip him into bits. Probably.

After all, Suhwan remembers all too well how outraged his fans were when they learned he had allowed Yuvin to take main vocal away from him. He can’t bear to imagine how they would react if they were to learn that he was prepared to let Yuvin indirectly take his life from him.

Yes, you heard that right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do leave some feedback if you have some constructive comments on my work. I really appreciate it!


	3. Memories And Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: “Unrequited love is all right in books and things, but in real life, it completely sucks.” ― Meg Cabot, Haunted: A Mediator Tale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsMk0MMmywc  
This song is perfect for my AU, try listening to it as you read!

Suhwan lies wide-awake in bed. He would love to just shut his eyes and drift off to sleep but his frequent trips to the bathroom have eliminated any chances of it happening. So, he stares at the ceiling, then outside at the dark night sky still dotted with stars. Maybe he would be able to fall asleep if _someone’s_ arms were around him, making him feel all warm, safe and secure.

_“On the count of 1-2-3! Let go of me!” Suhwan whined and squirmed around in Yuvin’s prison-like embrace. “Alright, fine!” Yuvin sulked and released Suhwan from his grip._

“All the other trainees love it when I do that, you know?”

_ “Well, I’m not them, am I? It’s weird being held so tightly. Remember, I don’t like your hugs, I just tolerate them." _

Suhwan cringes at that memory, because after some time had passed the joke ended up being on him.

_“Suhwan-ah, why are you crying?” It was in the middle of the night before Produce’s second eliminations. Yuvin had heard him sniffling in the bunk below him and climbed down to make conversation._

_ “I-I’m so scared of being eliminated. I’ve accepted that I probably won’t make it into the final line-up, but I want to at least survive until concept evaluation.” He wept._

_ “You will, okay? Trust me. I know there are a lot of people out there who support you and are voting like crazy for you. You will not be eliminated tomorrow.” Yuvin said firmly._

_ Suhwan brushed away the tears formed at the corner of his eyes. “Thank you so much, Yuvin hyung. This doesn’t sound like me at all but could you please… hug me?” he was flushed with embarrassment._

_ “I’m sorry, I must have misheard. Did Choi Suhwan, president of the “Anti Song Yuvin hug” fan club just say he wanted a hug from me?”_

_ “Stop laughing! Please, it’ll make me feel more relaxed,” he said. To his surprise, Yuvin obliged. _

_Afterwards, Suhwan grew to like those hugs which were a source of comfort to him when he thought he was going to breakdown from the sheer insanity of the programme. He stopped fidgeting and trying to pull away from Yuvin’s arms. His arms were no longer glued to his sides when Yuvin initiated a hug and instead they were now wide open in anticipation. And he would be lying if he said he had never wished to be the one initiating a hug. But he always held himself back._

Till this day Suhwan regrets it, alongside his denial of his feelings for Yuvin. He stares at the ceiling once again and calls upon a final memory.

_It was the finale of the programme and they were saying their goodbyes to each other._  
_"Thank you for that video message, hyung. It really meant a lot to me. I'm going to miss you so much." Suhwan thanked Yuvin._  
__

_"You're welcome, Suhwan-ah. Don't be too sad, we can still keep in touch on social media. Or we can meet up, if you want." Yuvin chucked, and playfully ruffled Suhwan's hair, causing the younger to yelp in protest. _  
__

_"Stop it, hyung! I'm not a kid!" _   


_"I always forget." _

_They hugged each other one last time. Suhwan remembers never wanting to leave his embrace, even burying his head into Yuvin's chest. This hug was so different from all their previous hugs, but he couldn't pinpoint the reason. _  
_Yuvin raised his eyebrows and shook his head in amusement. "Suhwan-ah, I didn't know you could be as clingy as me! But I really have to leave now, okay?"  
God, he must have appeared so pathetic. He quickly pulled away and Yuvin headed off together with his label mate Kookheon. That day, Suhwan felt something he had never felt before: A pang in his chest as he watched Yuvin leave. _

They did keep in touch. Suhwan followed him on Instagram and Yuvin followed him back. They communicated via the comments section of each other’s posts with their little inside jokes and funny remarks. But it wasn’t enough for Suhwan. He didn’t just want the occasional exchange, he longed to have long conversations together with his friend. But it would be unreasonable on his part to expect everything to be the way he wanted. He didn’t have an entertainment label that controlled his activities, did he? As long as he heard from his friend it was all good. There would always be chances in the future. Suhwan knew something was amiss when he begin reliving he last time he and Yuvin had seen each other face to face. “When I held him, I shouldn’t have let go of him. I should have clung onto him and made that moment last forever.” “Maybe I should’ve begged him to take me with him- Suhwan! Don’t be stupid. What’s wrong with you?” It was frightening to know how badly he was missing Yuvin. The last straw came when he envisioned himself standing on tiptoe and pressing his lips against Yuvin’s, gently running his fingers through those thick locks of dark hair, both of them caught up in the moment. 

He was supposed to be a friend, and friends didn’t kiss each other that way. In fact, they’re not even supposed to _kiss_. 

He shouldn’t have enjoyed that small fantasy, but he did. Suhwan conjured up other scenarios to dull the ache in his heart without Yuvin. It didn’t matter how cheesy they were: them holding hands and strolling along a beach as the sun sets, Yuvin brushing away the tears from his eyes with his fingers and a humorous remark said at just the right time or just Yuvin being Yuvin and Suhwan being Suhwan, having to deal with each other every single moment. He hoped that those wish-fulfilment fantasies would help him overcome his “missing Song Yuvin phase” but all he realised is how he’s in love with him, even if he labelled him as a friend. 

Suhwan loves Yuvin. For all of Yuvin’s recklessness, his tendency to say idiotic things and occasional over the top behaviour, Suhwan loves him. All he wants is to hear the laugh that made his heart race in Produce and light up his world. All he needs is the man who pulled him up when he felt himself heading towards rock bottom. But does Yuvin need him back? Song Yuvin, who has more acquaintances than the hairs on his head, more close friends than he can count on both hands and one very caring and wise label mate who’s been with him as they signed up for Produce x 101? Seems unlikely but there was always that slim possibility that Yuvin could have fallen as hard as Suhwan did. Suhwan was willing to believe in that tiny glimmer of hope. 

Then Yuvin got busier with new projects his label gave him, they talked less and less. He wasn’t worried as this was perfectly normal. When Yuvin didn’t really reply his comments anymore or even make his own under Suhwan’s posts, Suhwan begin to worry that his friend didn’t miss him as much. But he didn’t want to make assumptions and decided to find out for himself. He located Yuvin’s latest post and wrote, “Hyung, I miss you.” And added a funny emoji so he didn’t seem sappy. He nearly fell over in his chair when a reply came back. “Hmm, I’m not sure if I do 😅” This was clearly one of Yuvin’s jokes, and Suhwan wondered why he felt as crushed as he did. He knew why. He’d been anticipating an “I miss you too, Suhwan-ah.” But it wasn’t in Yuvin’s nature to write such heartfelt messages. 

“Hyung, I’m serious. Do you miss me too-“ he began typing, then frantically backspaced when he imagined all the people who would clown him for it. That was also the moment Suhwan understood why Yuvin always sent him replies in the form of little jokes, unlike Suhwan who every now and then wrote paragraphs of his thoughts to him: He was simply a small and “fun to tease” friend to Yuvin. Nothing bad about that, but when you’re in love with someone who sees you that way it becomes a problem. 

He was a certified “victim of unrequited love” when he woke up a few days later suffocating in bed and surrounded by yellow petals. A Sunflower. He’d seen it in Yuvin’s post, the one he’d posted that comment under. Even in his own photo, he’d had sunflowers in the backdrop. Now it appeared to him a third time, telling him he was going to die. He’d heard about the disease before and never anticipated contracting it. It already stung to know he loved someone who didn’t feel the same, and here came Hanahaki to kick him when he was already down, reinforcing a message he already knew. 

“I should hate him,” Suhwan thinks as the first rays of daylight begin streaming through his curtains. He hasn’t slept the whole night. “But I can’t. I hate myself for being weak enough to love him this much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do leave some feedback if you have some constructive comments on my work. I really appreciate it!


	4. Slip-up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: "Love is the most powerful emotion, and that makes it the most dangerous." -Sara Lance, 'Arrow'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all those who have read Chapter 4, and return to find it completely different, I re-read what I had written originally and was dissatisfied with it. The version you'll be seeing is the newest version.

He was already on thin ice, and that thin ice is beginning to crack under his feet despite his cautiousness. The situation was inevitable. After declining her politely multiple times, insisting he did not “need anyone to come over and take care of him”, she turned up at his doorstep against his wishes.  


_ That Saturday morning, he hadn’t been able to make it to the bathroom on time and ended up coughing out blood and flower petals straight into his kitchen sink. Just then the doorbell rang, and it was his mother waiting on his doorstep. _

_“Suhwan, it’s me. I know you’re not okay, and I’m here for you,” she very loudly proclaimed, and Suhwan could’ve sworn she could have woken up the people living next door. What other choice did he have? He let her in rather reluctantly, wincing when she frowned at the small stain of red at the side of his mouth. He invited her to sit down at his dining table and she did so gratefully. There were a few moments of awkward silence, neither one of them daring to speak first. _

_ His mother broke the silence, “How have you been? Apart from saying you “were unwell” you haven’t been talking to anybody. Is it that bad?”_

__

_ “I’m recovering now, mum. It was worse a few weeks before, but now I’m fine.” Suhwan lies through his teeth and forces a smile. _

__

_“Are you sure? You still look terrible. Your eyes are bloodshot-” _

__

_“That’s just some dust getting in my eyes.” _

__

_“-You seem to be thinner than before and talking to me seems to be taking up all your energy.” She finishes._

__

_“I told you, I’m fine. Mum, there’s no need to worry about me,” He insists, more forcefully. _

__

_“You don’t have to hide anything from me, you know-”_

__

__

_ “Mum! How many times do I have to say this? I. Am. Fine.” Startled by his outburst, she promptly shut her mouth. Murphy’s Law decided to play its hand against him that next moment._

_ “You haven’t brought your plate to the back yet, Suhwan,” His mother sighed and picked it up. “Don’t worry, Suhwan. I’ll do it for you. Don’t move.” It wasn’t a matter of wanting to be independent, he couldn’t let her see the mess in the sink. _

__

_But before he could shout a “Stop! Let me do it myself”, his felt his heart momentarily stop as he heard her blood-curdling screams coming from the kitchen and the plate clattering onto the floor (thank god he hadn’t used a glass plate). There was no denying she had encountered the “mini massacre” scene, and his jig was up. _

__

_“What the hell was that, Suhwan? What was with all that blood?” her voice quavered, and she looked at him with a mixture of fear and disbelief. Suhwan nonchalantly rinsed the damning evidence down the drain and dumped the petals in the trash, “What are you talking about, mum?”_

_Or at least that was what he had intended to say before a stroke of bad luck hit him. His mother was transfixed by the yellow petals and the crimson blood streaming through the gaps between his fingers as he pressed a trembling hand to his mouth, mumbling more lies to her, “I don’t know what is happening to me. I swear I don’t know.” _

She dragged him to a doctor, who essentially told him everything he had known from the start. He had Hanahaki. He had contracted it from experiencing one-sided love. The disease would only worsen. But of course, his mother didn’t know these, gaping at every new fact she received. Her reactions were so comical that Suhwan would have started laughing if he wasn’t in so much agony. He regretted not using any of his acting skills, because his composure amid such devastating news gave him away. 

“You lied to me, didn’t you? All this time, you knew. You knew and you told me nothing.” She snaps at him. “Tell me, what is going on?” Her voice softens. “Why are you trying to hide from me? Why can’t you trust me?” 

“You can’t help me, even if you wanted to.” Suhwan says and turns away from her. He hears her asking the doctor about how many people have contracted this disease.

“Well, ma’am. All I can say is that there are many, many of them. And most of them died as the flowers tore apart their lungs.” The doctor says as a matter of fact. 

“Died? You mean, Suhwan here could end up like them?” she’s panicking. “Is there really no cure for this disease?” 

“Yes, mum. Absolutely.” Suhwan says. The doctor glares at him, “I was going to say that there is a cure which is rarely used. It is for the one whom the victim loves to reciprocate their feelings which will stop the flower from growing and wither inside them. The most common cure is having surgery to remove the flower which those who died from Hanahaki rejected due to its side effects: Losing feelings for the objects of their affections, as well as memories of them. The worst would be losing the ability to love. Though the surgery would have saved them, they chose a painful death. It is perfectly understandable, given that it is only natural to want to be able to love somebody else.” 

“And I plan on doing exactly the same thing as them!” Suhwan blurts out. “Suhwan!” his mother gasps. “I’m so sorry, doctor. I don’t think he meant that.” 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. If he changes his mind, let me know and I’ll make arrangements for surgery. Oh, and both of you might want to work out your mother-son relationship.” 

She is livid as they make their way to the car. “So, you’ve been doing nothing but allowing your condition to deteriorate? Look at you, slowly killing yourself!” Her eyes burn into him and Suhwan finally squares up to her. 

“I will not do the surgery. You can’t convince me otherwise.” 

His mother says sadly, “Why are you doing this to yourself?” Guilt gnaws at Suhwan’s heart, knowing what the sight of him destroying himself is doing to his mother. “Who is this person you are so willing to ruin yourself for? Who is she, who could give you the motivation to act like this?” 

“It’s a he, mum. And I can’t tell you who-" 

“Say it, Suhwan. Please.” 

“It’s Song Yuvin.” 

His mother can’t believe it. “It’s shocking enough that you like men but why would you love him, out of all people? I watched the show, and you could have survived until the end if you weren’t always letting him have his way.”

"That's a lie, mum, and you know it!" Suhwan rushes to defend him. 

"You're on his side, Suhwan? After all he’s done to you? And worst of all, you’ve gotten this deadly disease because of him! Because he doesn’t love you the way you do. No, Suhwan. You’ve been through enough. It’s time you started looking out for yourself instead. I insist you get the surgery and save your own life.” She’s pleading now.

“I can’t do it. Firstly, I love him so much, I love the way I feel when I am with him. I’ve never loved someone so deeply and unconditionally before in my life.” 

"What's the point of being able to love him, if you're going to die?" 

"And what's the point of being alive, if I am unable to develop love for another person? That would be being alive and yet not being able to live. Mum, I don't want to lose this ability to love. If I have to die for it, so be it." Suhwan takes a deep breath and meets her gaze. "I'm almost an adult, mum. Why can't you respect my decision?" 

"Maybe it's because you will lose your life if you make this choice? Maybe it's because your whole life I've let you be when you made your decisions and you've only gone and brought yourself to ruin? I let you work towards being a K-Pop star, what did you do? Until today, you still don't belong in a company after years and years of training while many of your schoolmates are on their way to becoming doctors or working in respectable industries. You convinced me to let you join Produce x 101. I said yes, and you went and blew your chances at debuting by giving in to _him_ all the time! You're still stuck in limbo, stuck at being a nobody after the choices you made! So what makes you think I'll let you make a mistake again?" She doesn't just hit back lightly, she delivers a heavy blow to his pride. The most humiliating part is that everything she's said is the truth: He is still a nobody, doomed to remain as nothing. 

But Suhwan refuses to admit defeat and defiantly lifts his head high. "I’m going home myself. You don’t have to drive me.” 

As he strides off furiously, he can still hear her yelling, "Go ahead! But this discussion isn't over yet. And I promise, sooner or later you'll wake up and realise Song Yuvin isn't worth losing everything." 

"Leave me alone."


	5. A Step Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: "I prefer to earn it, it makes me appreciate it more." -Sonya Teclai

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm really sorry for deleting my original chapter 5, but I felt what I had written earlier wasn't good enough so I redid it. Feel free to leave comments if you want! I don't bite. ;)

Dying has always seemed to be so improbable to Suhwan. It only fleetingly crosses his mind and feels like something so fantastical, an idea that floats around in the breeze. But his mother’s words have brought him back to reality. There are so many fears in his mind that he doesn’t know if he can start.

He’s been trying to steer clear of confronting the reality and now has reached a dead end (no pun intended). Whether he likes it or not his choice to not do surgery only leads to one final path. Suhwan’s paints a picture of him slowly shutting his eyes as he drifts out of his body. He wanted to make the idea of dying feel ambiguous, nothing set in stone so that he didn’t have to believe it could happen. But now he has no more time to waste on being in denial. He must face the facts that his death entails a painfully drawn-out, bloody affair. The scariest part of all is addressing the questions lingering in his mind: Does he really want this? When he goes will he be dying with loved ones by his side, or will he be all alone? Lastly, is death the only solution he will accept? 

The first two questions are easily answered. 

“Not really, but it’s the lesser of two evils.”  
“I don’t want to and hope I won’t be alone.”  
But the last question is the hardest to answer.  


Today, his mother had called him just as he had stepped through the door of his apartment, but he cut off her call. He didn’t need to hear her ramble on and on about the mistakes he was going to make or why she had a right to make such an important decision on his behalf. Suhwan hates admitting she has a point: That he has been doing nothing but remaining passive, just letting the hours tick by. This is the ending he has chosen, to just give up and to sit waiting and defeated as he wastes away. He can’t fathom having such a pathetic end to his life. He decides to take his mind off this troubling thought by trawling through social media. While on Instagram, he notices a video that's been reposted on his timeline. When he clicks on it, he chuckles at the sight in front of him: Yuvin in a white robe and happily moving to the beat of ‘Havana’ like it’s nobody’s business, a rose between his teeth. So typical of Yuvin. When the music begins to fade Suhwan watches, entranced as the man he loves takes the rose in his hand and flings it towards his crowd of fangirls (and boys). As the beautiful red flower sails through the air he presses his fingers to the screen of his computer, pretending Yuvin means for him to catch it.

This is the hardest thing Suhwan has to accept. Dying means he will never see Yuvin again, and his family. He isn’t certain that he is willing to let go of the ones by his side forever so easily. This raises the question once again: Does it have to end in death? Why doesn’t he try to change things? 

The problem is, he doesn’t know what to do to make things different. Maybe he should give in and ask for help, which is an absurd statement considering the pains he undertook in order to keep his situation under wraps. But he doesn’t seem to have a choice anymore. If he doesn’t have the answer, then he needs some advice. He needs it from someone who is unlikely to spill his secrets to the rest of the world, nag his ears off or judge him. After scouring his contacts it turns out to be Park Sunho, who became one of his friends during Produce x 101 and sometimes feels like an older sibling. Suhwan has taken a long time to get used to this feeling given that he is the eldest in his family. Unfortunately, Sunho is not as helpful as Suhwan expected him to be when they have a phone call on Sunday. 

“I’m going to say this: I’m on your mother’s side. You don’t owe him anything. You shouldn’t be dying for him if you don’t have to.”  


“And I thought you were going to be on mine. You don’t have to listen to her just because you’re old as well, you know?” Suhwan says.  


“Hey! Not cool. I’m not joking, Suhwan. I’m saying this as a friend: I’ve heard many horror stories about Hanahaki, and I don’t think you want to actually go through that. Trust me.” Sunho pleads.  


“I know what is going to happen to me. Yes, I don’t want to go through it, but I would rather have to if my other option is to stop loving him completely and end up losing my memories of him. Why should I?”  


…

“I didn’t come here to be convinced I should get surgery. I came here for alternative solutions which I know probably exist.” Suhwan huffs.  


“Well, I’m still suggesting you get the surgery. But if you really want, how about this: Have you ever thought of addressing the root of the problem? You know, the one-sided love?” Sunho says.  


“There’s nothing I can do if he doesn’t feel the same.”  


“There’s nothing you can do? Really? Have you thought of confronting him about this?”  


“I don’t want to fight with him-”  


“Nobody is asking you to be aggressive. Just meet him and tell him: Hey, I’m having Hanahaki. He’ll probably ask you what it is and what caused it. It will be the perfect time for you to reveal it was because he didn’t love you back. Then he’ll have to do something about it, since he is technically speaking, responsible for your condition.” Sunho raises his voice as Suhwan starts coughing and gasping for breath again.

“See? You're not okay. So here’s the thing: Why don’t you think about it some more before you decide? Call me back if you want to ask anything else.”  


Suhwan doesn’t need to think this over again. Unlike Sunho and his own mother’s assumptions that he didn’t know what he was doing, he did. No surgery, and that's final. Nobody seems to get what he's trying to say: He wants to know if there is any other way to save him without needing to go to the extreme. It seems there isn't. Sunho’s suggestion has set the gears in his brain in motion. He imagines his conversation with Yuvin. Knowing his friend, Yuvin would be worried for him. He would ask what he could do or get for him to help him recover. Suhwan is certain Yuvin will be racked by guilt if he knows he is the cause of Suhwan’s illness and possible demise. Maybe he would force himself to fall in love with Suhwan for the sake of curing his friend. That’s the part Suhwan has an issue with as it is emotionally manipulative on his part. If Yuvin has to convince himself to love Suhwan, is it even love? It’s pointless if Yuvin doesn’t have feelings for him in the first place. It will never be love. It will always be an act of sympathy. Yuvin will be trapped having to be in a relationship with somebody he doesn’t really love but must, in order to keep him alive. Suhwan refuses to do such a cruel thing. His fantasies consist of Yuvin falling for who he is as a person. To love him despite his flaws: his selfishness, his tendency to shut people out and unintentionally hurt them, the fact that he wasn't the tallest or the most good looking person to walk the earth... That who he is now is enough even if it wasn't enough for those companies who rejected him, and to stay with him through his moments of weakness. But wishful thinking is wishful thinking. This is real life where he can't have his cake and eat it which is why he hates real life so much right now. Why did his feelings have to be one-sided? Why couldn't Yuvin love him back? But then again, isn't it unrealistic of him to expect a person who has rarely been interacting with him to suddenly develop an attraction for him? 

That’s it!

This is the real root of the problem. There haven't been opportunities for Yuvin to fall for him in the first place. It's obvious what Suhwan should do now. Create those opportunities. He can turn this around and make the attraction mutual. He can’t guarantee Yuvin will love him, but he can increase his chances of survival by doing things that could help them to fall in love with each other. And maybe, just maybe... Yuvin will feel the same before Suhwan’s time runs out. A flicker of hope ignites in him: There is a way after all. He can have his happy ending together with Yuvin. The first step is definitely for them to get to know each other better, this time without survival show drama getting in their way. And what better way to achieve it by spending time together? He sees it playing out nicely in his head and it starts with them hanging out together for the first time after Produce x 101. A movie together would be a safe choice. 

He begins making plans to contact Yuvin. But first, there are two people he has to tell. 

“Hello, mum?”  


“Suhwan? I’m so glad you’ve decided to be sensible and-"  


"Mum? I’m still not doing the surgery. I’m just here to tell you that I’ve decided not to be passive and try to save myself.”  


“What are you talking about?” She’s puzzled.  


“I’m going to try and get Yuvin to love me back by proving to him how much he means to me.” Suhwan awkwardly explains.  


“That’s not going to work, Suhwan. Are you serious?”  


“I know it’s not foolproof. But it’s better than nothing, isn’t it? I have a higher probability of staying alive if I do this. I might even get rid of the Hanahaki if it works! And I will do my best to make sure it does, I promise.”  


Sunho is astonished, but manages a “Good luck, Suhwan.” after regaining his composure.  


It’s late in the evening, and Suhwan should be getting ready for bed. Monday morning is about to roll by soon and his hectic lifestyle will resume. But he’s here in his bedroom on Instagram and preparing to direct message Yuvin. For a moment he chickens out. But as he moves to close the tab he remembers that video of Yuvin dancing, along with the older man's infectious laugh and the twinkle in his eyes. It was from the part of a fan meet Suhwan wanted to attend but couldn’t. Not in his dreadful state. Not when there would be so many people around who could uncover his secret. 

Suhwan knows. Even with the millions of excuses he conjured up to stay away, he should have gone. Pulled himself together and turned up to support his hyung even if he had been there as a fan and not as a special guest. It was the perfect opportunity for him to see Yuvin face-to-face and he let the chance slip out of his hands. It's time for him to stop being a coward because what has he got to lose anymore? He has so much to gain and should his plan work he'll be seeing that smile and hearing that laugh for many years to come. He finds himself barely being able to breathe and this time it isn't the flowers. He goes to Direct Messaging and with all the courage he can muster types, "Hello hyung, it's me, Suhwan. If you have the time, would you like to join me for a movie?" 

And before he can stop himself, he sends it out.


	6. A Bad Start?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding the movie in this chapter I’ve actually decided not to fill in any title so just imagine a film with all the tropes you hate.

No reply yet. 

Just the small symbol of an eye indicating that his message has been read. Despite his disappointment, Suhwan is comforted by the knowledge that Yuvin is not outright ignoring him. It has been three days since he had sent the message and to be met with silence makes him wonder if his plan is going off the rails before it has barely begun.

He points this out to Sunho and his mother on two separate occasions and they both return with the same scathing remarks, “And you still think this is a good idea, Suhwan?” and “Just give up because it’s not a crime to want to stay alive.” Their frustration is perfectly reasonable considering he is attempting to pull-off something life-risking in front of them. But Suhwan is not ready to give up so early. Yuvin’s daily schedule is packed with so many activities that there is no way he could commit to a hangout quickly. Suhwan is willing to wait a little bit longer. That doesn’t mean he isn’t anxious. During his free time in school while chatting to his classmates he sneaks a glance at his phone for a reply He can’t stop himself from reaching for the phone to take a look despite the irritation written all over the faces of his friends at his antisocial ways. They aren’t the only ones displeased with him. Even his teachers are puzzled by his sudden change in behaviour.

Two more days pass. If Yuvin not replying him isn’t infuriating enough, his worries are rapidly piling up, both online and offline. In the real world:

-His friends are getting more and more exasperated with him (“look, if you’d rather hangout with your phone than us just say so!”)  


-His mathematics teacher has already called him to the side of the class during break to ask the standard questions (“You seem unusually tired and distracted, anything wrong at home?”, “Suhwan, you’re one of our best students. Don’t you know if you continue behaving this way you will witness a dramatic drop in your grades?”)  


-He used to hide at home but ever since he slipped up in front of his mother one of his safe havens has became an interrogation room.  


Under normal circumstances Suhwan would apologise profusely to his friends and put aside his phone. And he would never have to be confronted by a teacher regarding behavioural issues. But he is preoccupied with his mission, turning deaf ears to his friends’ words. To the teacher, he nods and makes a flimsy promise that he won’t lose his momentum before major exams start.

In the virtual world:

-His fans are eager to hear from him and are begging him to “breathe” on social media apart from liking posts. As for now, they are still able to joke about how he’s creating a drought on purpose in preparation for dropping something incredible for them soon. Once he goes AWOL for too long they will lose their patience and worse, put an end to the little waiting game they’ve been playing and forget all about him.  
What can he say to them to alleviate their worries? (“I’m okay! I’m truly okay! You shouldn’t be so worried about me (?)”) The truth is he’ll only make things worse. So he shuts up. It’s so ironic that Yuvin is doing to him what he has been doing to his fans for a while now.

There is something horribly wrong if even the virtual world can’t provide him the relief he needs. It is supposed to take his mind off his problems but instead it contributes to it. Suhwan appears to be reaching a dead end where he cannot run away any longer and soon has to start confronting his own problems.

_Why won’t you reply me, Yuvin? Did I ask for too much by suggesting we hang out?_

It’s nighttime on a Friday. At his age he is supposed to be hanging out at a club or getting hyped at a party. If he’s the “boring” kind he should be staying up late to study. Or just watching television by himself and eating snacks. He’s not doing any of this! He’s only nineteen and he’s practically stopped living. It’s hard when dreamland is the remaining place left for him to shut out everything else, so at 9pm he’s under the covers and moving around trying to find a position comfortable enough for him to remain in.

When his eyes open and greet the sunlight shining through his window, Suhwan is pumped for a strange reason. Soon he’s out on the street happily strolling while humming to himself. He doesn’t remember planning on going out anywhere but he knows he has to arrive someplace. After a few minutes he takes a left and arrives at the entrance of a mall. 

“Suhwan!” A tall figure is waving excitedly at him. He doesn’t need to guess who it is.  


“Yuvin? I didn’t know you were going to meet me here.” Suhwan says, and Yuvin chuckles. 

”You were the one who decided where we were going to meet, don’t you remember?” Suhwan nods vaguely.  


“I hope you haven’t forgotten that we’re seeing a movie together, Suhwanie!”  


_He looks so good in just a plain t-shirt and jeans._

Suhwan’s heart is already going at a few hundred beats per minute. Yuvin is eyeing him expectantly. 

“Come on, Suhwanie. You don’t want to be late, do you?”  


All Suhwan has to do is follow. It feels so perverse, deliberate that at that moment his disease decides to surface after lying low previously. He starts gasping for air and doubles over in pain. “No, not now.” He groans to no one in particular.  


“Suhwan! What’s wrong? If you don’t feel well you shouldn’t be out here, you should be at home resting.” Yuvin exclaims and a few passerby turn to stare in their direction. 

Suhwan barely has time to be embarrassed before his coughing begins and everything around him begins to blur. 

“Suhwan! This is serious! You look like you need an ambulance.” Yuvin sounds concerned about him. How romantic.

Suhwan finally coughs up a small rosebud, not just petals but a rosebud. An entire flower. His disease has progressed to the later stage and in response Suhwan laughs hysterically. He coughs up a few more rosebuds and their petals fall off their stems as they land in his hands. Yuvin is staring at this graphic spectacle in horror. 

“What the fuck is going on with you? What is happening?” At the drop of a hat Suhwan‘s hysteria is replaced with floods of tears and he weeps like the end of the world is coming. He gathers the crimson flowers in a messy bundle before shoving them in Yuvin’s face. “Please take them.” As Yuvin expectedly recoils Suhwan takes a step towards him.  


“Yuvin, please.” 

Yuvin pushes him off and starts walking away from him while shaking his head in shock, muttering dazedly, “Who did this to you, Suhwan? How did you become like this?” 

Suhwan wakes up for real this time. He doesn’t know why or how he ended up having a dream that hits so close to home but if there’s one thing the dream is possibly telling him, it’s that he shouldn’t have asked Yuvin to hangout. He sighs. It looks like his plan will sadly have to be scrapped and he will go back to doing what he has always been doing. If it isn’t meant to work, what is the point?

As he logs in to Instagram he is stuck between two decisions: Delete his message without saying anything or to inform Yuvin to just forget about what he read and that it was a stupid suggestion. But when he goes to Direct Messaging he receives a notification that Yuvin has replied. In an instant Suhwan opens two messages: 

“Who are you? *laughing emoji*”

”Okay, sorry about that. Hi Suhwan, I’m so sorry for not having replied you sooner. I wouldn’t mind going for a movie except that I’m busy-”

__

_Oh._

”So we can only go when I’m free, I guess?  


P.S: Why don’t you call or message me directly on WhatsApp? Just wondering.”

__

_Oh?_

That’s when Suhwan realises he doesn’t have Yuvin’s number. Did he forget to ask for it? Did he lose it? Wait, now he remembers: 

”Because we were planning on using Instagram as our main mode of communication. As you can see, it didn’t work out. We hardly talk these days. So I need your number first.”

The reply comes in within less than an hour. Yuvin is online and uploading photos of his latest MC gig. 

”Really??? Then here it is. You might receive my replies faster this way. So about the movie... I’m free two weeks from now on a Sunday. I don’t know if you are, and anyway what do you want to see?”

Suhwan mentally slaps himself for forgetting the most important part. Great. He wants to watch a movie but didn’t even choose anything to watch. He checks the latest releases, one of which he’s already seen before and the rest average fare. It doesn’t matter to him what he watches, his aim is just to spend time with Yuvin. He selects a title that promises something remotely interesting and sends it to Yuvin through WhatsApp along with the message that he’s fine with the day Yuvin suggested. 

This is it. Suhwan has officially began his plan and now he will sit back and let it slowly unfold. Sunho and his mum surely will have more faith in him once they learn about this. 

The resignation in her voice is obvious and he can almost see her repeatedly massaging her temples as she speaks to him through the phone, “You know what, Suhwan? It’s clear to me that you are determined to do things your own way. I won’t say anything else for now, except that you better know what you are truly in for.” 

Sunho is concerned with how excited Suhwan is, “You don’t actually think he’s already in love with you right? Hanging out once does not equal being in an actual romantic relationship.” 

“I’m not that delusional, Sunho. I’m aware that this isn’t a guaranteed. I’m not going to start thinking we’re a couple.” Suhwan scoffs. 

“Be careful, Suhwan. Everyone always believes they will never fall into the same trap as others until they do it too.”

Suhwan has never been out with Yuvin outside of Produce and has little idea of what it will be like. He secretly wants it to turn out just like his dream minus the blood purging. Which reminds him, what is he going to do if he has to cough while sitting next to Yuvin? Whatever. He’ll deal with it in two weeks time.

Two weeks passes faster than Suhwan expects and before he knows it he’s flushing down what he hopes is the last of the petals for the day before hurriedly wiping his mouth and charging out the door. He arrives on the dot where Yuvin is waiting for him. If Suhwan was self conscious about the way he appeared to Yuvin, he didn’t have to because Yuvin seems to be sleeping a hour a day and unaware of his surroundings. Even when he greets Suhwan and smiles, his smile is a weary one. 

Suhwan was utterly wrong about the choice of movie not mattering. If he wasn’t interrupted by his bouts of dry coughs every time he felt himself dropping off he would be exactly like Yuvin, slumped forwards in his seat and head resting on one arm: a combination of late nights and a dull movie. This has got to be one of the most boring shows he’s ever viewed. As much as he is dismayed by how awkward the face to face interactions have been, he would give anything for Yuvin to be awake. But he made this bed and has to lie in it and accept that Yuvin is sound asleep during their hangout partially due to Suhwan’s shitty choice of film. 

”Huh? Where the hell am I?” Yuvin groans when Suhwan shakes him awake. 

Yuvin’s confusion is one of the most adorable things Suhwan has ever seen, and his smile inadvertently creeps up on his face. “Nothing much. You just fell asleep for two hours, you’re lucky nobody went and took a picture of you.”

”Oh my god, I can’t believe I slept through an entire movie!”

”Hey, it’s fine. Thanks for agreeing to come out today! See you next- I mean bye! Better get more sleep!” Suhwan leaves it at that and parts ways with Yuvin. 

Outside the cinema, Suhwan buries his head in his hands. This isn’t a good start, is it?


End file.
